When I’m Not the One — And When They Aren’t

To paraphrase a Joyce Meyer quote:

“It’s okay to be around people when I can (positively) affect them, as long as they don’t infect me.”

When I’m Not the One

I’d like to add a nuance to that quote: Even if I think I can positively affect them, but God tells me not to help, that means I’m not the one to help them.

NOTE: To make this example clear by not using “them”, “they”, and “their” to mean different people in the same sentence, I’ll call the person I want to help “Susie”.

If I go against what God has told me to do, and I try to help Susie anyway, then:

— I take up Susie’s time, so there may not be room in her life to get help from the person God appointed to help Susie.

— Even if I have good intentions, I may truly cause harm out of my lack of ability or wisdom to really give Susie the help she needs.

— My actions and words may be contrary to what the real helper does, and it obstructs them giving Susie help. That means I’ve harmed the real helper, too.

— I don’t help the person God wants me to help.

I fully believe that nothing I do or say can keep God from accomplishing what He planned.

But if I don’t do what He planned for me to do, I sure can cause unnecessary pain and harm to others. And that disappoints and grieves God. Because He loves them and He loves me – and wants His best (and the least painful path) for all of us.

I don’t want to see anyone go through a rough time. It’s painful to let go of helping someone when I think I can – even when God says no because His plan is better.

It’s even more painful to realize I’ve harmed someone by trying to help. And realizing I’ve caused harm because I haven’t done what God wants.

When They Aren’t

A blatant example of when a person isn’t the one to help me is:

Proverbs 22:24-25 (NIV) “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one who is easily angered, for you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.”

Every human gets angry. And there have been times when it took me a long time to turn my anger over to God so He could remove that anger and heal me.

This verse is important to me because it means I can have friendships and relationships with others who happen to be mad about something. But I must remember, when that person is angry, I’m in danger of being caught in that destructive emotion as well.

Just like it may take me a long time to let go of hurt and anger, it may take someone I love a long time for them to be healed from their anger.

But what if that person is still mad about a harm they feel was done to them years ago, or they continually spew hatred and vitriol and plot revenge?

To determine if I should have a relationship with anyone, I need to ask God:

— Can I help that person?

— If I continue try to help, will I waste the time God has given me to help others?

— Is the angry person infecting me? Do I feel upset and begin to dwell on their hurts? Do I want to get revenge or harm the people they hate? Does it cause me to dwell on how people have hurt me? Do I want to get revenge or harm the people who have harmed me?

That’s the danger.

So until God tells me to be around them, the answer is: STAY AWAY AND PRAY.

Don’t listen to them. Don’t read their words. Don’t have anything to do with them.

Even if I miss the relationship I once had, or wish to have, with the angry person, I need to stay away from them and pray for them. And pray for myself.

Because God’s will is clear:

— Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Ephesians 4:31

— Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” I Corinthians 15:33

— My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. James 1:19-20

— Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret – it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

I can’t get rid of anger on my own. It is only by turning to God, telling Him all about it, and asking Him to heal me from it, that I will be released from it.

Sometimes, I’m not the person to help. And sometimes, another person isn’t the one who can help me.

But ultimately, God is the One who can send the right help to everyone.

What helps you let go if you aren’t the one — or they aren’t the one?

When I'm Not the One – And When They Aren't: What helps you decide what to do? Share on X

Joni Vance is an award-winning author of fiction, essay, and poetry. She loves mystery, history, and how God reveals Himself every day.

May God reveal the mystery of His love in your life story.